I never did like talking about my secondary school days. They embarrass the shit out of me. Nobody likes to be reminded of the fools they once were; fools digging in the sand in search for the oasis in the burning heat to get more sand. My need to be acknowledged by people, driven by sheer greed and a bloated self-esteem (as well as an egoistical sense of future self worth) that came down to near nothing.
How shameful is it to look people in the eye and know that your image in their eyes disgusts even yourself? That if, put in someone else's shoes, I'd mock myself? Hate myself? Look down on the sheer stupidity of my own rationale? Dark, dark; I cover it with the fleeting, yet powerful overdoses of transient happiness in my current everyday life, and tell myself that time leaves no man without regret, and every day passed is a day wiser.
Yet, stealing through unlocked doors, high walls and the gates of my sanctity, my past creeps up on me. Today, it said hi right in my face. I saw Lyeyee at the Ohsofickle boutique. Xinmin passed by today at work. Joan popped by after Xinmin. I saw Nad, Farah and Fifa on my way home. Each encounter passing away harmless, yet rekindling past guilts and shames.
Life will always go on, but this is the season of reconnection; for my past hurts bear vital experience that will prove helpful even as i make choices in this next crossroad. What is important now may be absolutely stupid in the near future. What sacrifices made now could be the next big leap to success. What's wrong may very well be right, and right absolutely wrong. I only hope that in my befuddlement, i move forward.
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