Are you?

Sorry if I've not been posting.

It's not altogether funny than disappointing how things are turning out thus far. Everyday seems 24 hours closer to an imminent doomsday than a liberating rapture. Maybe Im growing up, maybe Im growing too fast, or maybe all this while I haven't opened my eyes to the reality that has been right in front of me. Maybe in my positivity I have created a void dividing between the physical reality and the conjured, false reality. My apparent reality.

I keenly remember the very first wave of emotion that hit me when I first stepped into SR. It was a rush of adrenalin, of excitement in anticipation of what JC had to offer me. I told myself to give pre-tertiary education my best shot; to be the iron-man ideal and face, deal and eventually conquer all challenges thrown in my way. Surprisingly, this 'do-or-die' mentality is what drove me up the wall, and eventually to success.

It shocks me now that upon achieving my childhood dream, I don't know what else I want to do with my life. Be a better person? Be a good teacher? Be an artist? Co-own a castle with a rich investor willing to fork out millions for land, refurbishment and leasing of the castle to haute couture boutiques? (I'm kidding, the last was Michelle's goal after serving her 6 year bond with MOE.)

I'm so used to taking what life throws at me that right now, when life is finally succumbing to my individual will, I'm starting to question the wisdom of my own right to freedom of choice. Also maybe because Ive a tendency to take things at face value, to accept people, things and truths for what they really are without doubt. Only later to my stupidity do I (ever) realise that things are never as straightforward as they seem.

My biggest fear would be if I leave Singapore for my own selfish 'enhancement' only to come back losing out on the things I hold most dear-- spending time with my loved ones. I'm afraid; and not entirely unsubstantially so, that when I come back I wouldn't have the privilege of appreciating them anymore, or at least in the way I would want to. I'm afraid that this scholarship may be robbing one of the biggest parts of my life; my dependence on companionship and my confidantes.

This step would be, ironically, one of the most challenging for me. It's not even a matter of stepping out of my comfort zone; it's basically removing one of the factors that provide reason for my existence. And as I teeter on the brink of adulthood I'm praying very hard that this is the climax of a gradual maturance; not the foolish wish of a child.